Smoking Under Pressure

Friday I hustled home from work, frantic to smoke a cigar. I'd been waiting for days. Finally the kids were away, wife getting something done (hair, nails, who knows) and I had over an hour to kill before a dinner date with friends at 6:30. My shipment of various high rated gems from Nick's Cigar World had come in the day before and I was chomping at the bit. Of special interest was the Puros Indios Maxima Reserva (media corona size) which I had been trying to find ever since trying one from a CI variety pack back in my cigar infancy (3 months ago). At the time I had told Sally that it was THE BEST CIGAR I HAD EVER HAD but of course I had only tried 6 brands by then. (The newbie smoker's refrain: This is the best cigar I've EVER HAD...)

Would the media corona taste as good this time? Or had my palate grown so sophisticated that I would grind out the trifling thing in disgust? Only one way to find out: Do a confirmation smoke.

My mouth was watering and I could practically taste it. In the inviting silence of the house, I opened my humidor. There it was, the Maxima Reserva, unwrapped and ready for picking. Reservations crept in: Would one day be enough to humidify this baby after getting it in the mail? Or would lighting it up now only bring a harsh and unrepresentative experience? God, I wanted that thing badly.

It was 5:20. Time was ticking away. Just grab the darned thing and smoke it, I said to myself. How moist did a cigar have to be?

I went out on the deck in the blasting heat of the sun. Dilemma: Smoke it here, in full view of the neighbors and their potentially tattle-telling offspring? They were always coming in and out of their house this time of day. No, better to take it to the park 5 blocks away. I could ride my bike over and have this thing lit in 5 minutes. I ran back in the house, grabbed my backpack, stuck the cigar in a plastic bag. And the lighter. And a bottle of water (need water when you smoke, otherwise you get dried out ). What else? The makeshift snippers. I grabbed the backback and ran out the door, feeling time slipping through my fingers.

On the way to the garage, looked at my watch: 5:25. By the time I got there, it would be 5:30. I'd have to be done by 6:15. Total smoke time of only 45 minutes. It wasn't going to work! I was only going to get halfway through the 6-inch Maxima Reserva. I should have smoked the damned thing on the porch, to hell with the neighbors. Damn it!

I slunk back to the house, demoralized. Better not to smoke at all than to throw away half a perfectly good cigar. As soon as I got inside, the phone rang. It was Sally: Our friends were delayed and dinner was pushed back to 7:00.

Joy! Another half hour! I could devour the Maxima Reserva as long as I was done by 6:40 - that would give me enough time to ride back home, change my clothes, wash up, and drive to the restaurant. Or was I deluding myself? Let's face it, I'd need to leave the park no later than 6:30. Still less than an hour to smoke the thing! It wouldn't do it justice.

By now I was pacing, walking in and out of the house, going to the concealed humidor, sighing yes, no, maybe... I felt like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, stoked up on cocaine, trying to make the spaghetti and transact the drug deal, surveillance helicopters whirling above, the Feds tightening in...

I had to make a decision. I ran back in the house, opened the humidor and found the smallest stick in the bunch: An Oliva Series G Cameroon Robusto. Couldn't have been more than 4.5 inches long. I stuck it in the plastic bag with the Maxima Reserva, deluding myself that the bigger cigar was still in the running.

I jumped on the bike, rode to the park, opened my backpack and eyed the two cigars. I could either huff and puff like a fiend through the Maxima Reserva, or take a leisurely run at the little Oliva.

I chose the Oliva with a heavy heart. Oh how I had wanted that long, skinny Maxima Reserva! Oh, how hard it was to ignore your lust and do the right thing!

Yes, the Oliva Series G was high quality, like Cigar Aficionado said. No, I did not relax and enjoy it as much as I should have. No, my craving for the Maxima Reserva did not go away. It remains with me to this day.

I'll have to try another Oliva Series G when I'm not under so much pressure. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about that Maxima Reserva. The kids are out of the house tonight. My wife's got her evening class. Weather's nice, no wind or rain predicted. Perfect cigar smoking weather. Rub hands together, evil Vincent Price laughter...